EXCLUSIVE: Dark Hermite Claims He Dated Miss Piggy After Meeting Her at Side By Side Theatre — Says They Have 3 Kids Together

By Laughter Goodson | Puppet Romance Historian

Lolly Cow News — June 14th, 2025

In a deeply concerning revelation from the heart of the fringe theatre scene, local weirdo and delusional love expert Dark Hermite has come forward with a bizarre romantic claim:

“I met Stacey — that’s what I call Miss Piggy — during a production at the Side By Side Theatre. We fell in love immediately. Now we have three children: Lewis, Ollie, and Finley.”

Yes. That Miss Piggy. The felt one.

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🎭 Love on the Stage

Dark Hermite insists their connection began during a 2019 stage adaptation of “Les Misérables”, where Piggy starred as Fantine and Hermite played “Guy Who Walks On and Dies.”

He claims their backstage romance was electric:

“She whispered ‘hi-ya!’ and I just knew… we were soulmates.”

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👶 The Felt Family

Hermite now insists they share three hybrid children:

• Lewis — “the brains”

• Ollie — “the muscle”

• Finley — “mostly fluff and attitude”

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🔍 Disclosure:

Lolly Cow News cannot confirm the existence of Lewis, Ollie, or Finley.

It is widely believed that these “children” may be figments of Hermite’s overstimulated imagination, or possibly drawn on socks.

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💔 The Heartbreak

According to Hermite, Piggy (aka “Stacey”) dumped him after he began referring to himself as “Mr. Piggy in Law.”

He believes Kermit orchestrated their breakup, possibly with the help of AI-generated frog magic.

He also blames the cast of Grease: The Musical for “giving him side-eye.”

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🧠 Experts React

Dr. Puppetta Swayne of the Centre for Delusional Fan Fiction commented:

“This is either an intense trolling session or a full-blown romance novel in the making. Either way, we need to keep him away from felt-based theatre productions for the foreseeable future.”

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🧃 Lolly Cow News Final Statement:

“From side-stage to side-eye, Dark Hermite’s imaginary love life is the boldest fanfic we’ve seen since Kevin Daddy married a Cabbage Patch doll.

To Lewis, Ollie, and Finley — if you’re out there: blink twice.”