HEADLINE: Kevin Daddy Eats Own Foot After Diabetic Crash, Says “Honestly, 7/10”

By: Jon Davis, Reporter at Large (and also Medium and Small)

In what experts are calling both a “medical oddity” and “a concerning buffet choice,” 42-year-old man Kevin Daddy local to the Hull area, reportedly consumed his own left foot following a late-night diabetic crash—proving once again that low blood sugar and questionable life choices are a dangerous combo.

Kevin, known to absolutely no one except his 11 YouTube subs and a local foot fetish message board, had allegedly skipped his dinner in favour of “just vibes and Monster Energy.” At approximately 2:14 a.m., neighbours heard strange gnawing sounds and what one described as “the unmistakable sob-scream of a man debating his life choices mid-bite.”

“I just thought the dog was chewing on a pork knuckle,” said neighbour Doris Muffletop. “Turns out it was Kevin. And the dog was filming.”

Paramedics arrived to find Kevin sprawled on his kitchen floor, foot partially missing, ketchup everywhere (not part of the injury—just a condiment choice), and a half-written Yelp review for his own leg that read:

“Texture’s a bit chewy. Kinda gamey. Pairs well with regret.”

In an exclusive post-hospital interview, Kevin told Lolly Cow News:

“I didn’t mean to eat it, alright? I was low on sugar and it looked like a croissant if you squinted and had a history of poor decisions.”

Local doctors are baffled but not surprised.

“This is the fifth self-foot-consumption case this week,” sighed Dr. Linda Shinsnap. “And they always happen after someone says, ‘I got this, bro.’ No, Kevin. You did not have this.”

Meanwhile, Kevin’s foot—what remains of it—has been preserved in a jar labelled “Do Not Eat – Again.” 

- Jon Davis - News Journalist for Lolly Cow News